don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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