when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
