Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
