A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He better not be in your backpack
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
