I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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