if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
