Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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