I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
