Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
