it's like iHOP with fire
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
