Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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