I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
