Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he thought i was a dude.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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