Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Houston, we have a squirter
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
