I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
