seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
