I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
