I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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