"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
