How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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