Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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