I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
