So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I need a beard to bite.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
