Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
