yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
