im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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