She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
