I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
two words...techno handjob
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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