She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
