I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
