dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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