k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
