Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
