I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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