we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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