Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i think my cat just said my name.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
