I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
