i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
