We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
