Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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