have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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