A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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