I murdered the dance floor call the cops
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
