I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
