His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
