The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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