I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
