ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
