did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
