At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
